Narrator: (bombastic voice) FOUR MONTHS LATER..../Sign Adam Dunn

Fellows and broads, my best regards to you all. After a four month hiatus (which was actually more like 7 months but...whatever) I have returned. I've been concentrating on writing other things and now that I've got a nice base of things to draw from when someone asks the question "I'd like to read a sample". The obvious comment most would make to that would be "dudebrah, that's not a question" and my response to that would be "dude...shut up".

I am, indeed, back for regular postings on this here stop on the world wide internets. Why bother? Well, when you're spending your days as an office temp/PA your tasks are mindless and one has the opportunity to ponder a great many things and are forced to keep them to yourself because you are the lowest of the low. On these here pages, I will intertwine said ponderings as I pursue my passion of writing with my other passion -- the Philadelphia Phillies. I choose these two passions not because they are the only passions I have. but because a blog about fucking isn't very interesting from a guy's point of view. (DUDE! LAST NIGHT -- I TOTALLY GOT LAID, BRAH!! SHE WAS HOT!!!! WOOOO!!! CHICKS!!! PUSH-UPS!!! LAT PRESS!!!! T-SHIRTS WITH STUFF ON 'EM!!!!!) Sorry ladies, that's just how we all talk.

I am also making an attempt to force myself to write as much as possible. While I usually manage to write everyday and I've never really experienced writer's block, I don't always think visually enough to start every idea with "INT. A BAR - NIGHT...etc" Sometimes prose makes it easier to get the brain-chola a choling (not to be confused with 'choline' a natural amine usually found in vitamin B complex. For those of you who are wondering, I only know that because I googled "choling" because I's pretty sure that wasn't a word. It twern't.)

How to begin? Well, since I've contributed dick during the greatest October of my baseball-watching life I'll leave those events in the past. Plenty has been written about the Phillies super-happy-game-fun-time-baseball-winner-champion-achievement-sports (I know nothing of the Far East). So, I'll dive into what lies ahead. The challenges of repeating, the poetry in motion that is a Matt Stairs interview and the unfortunate tale of Les Walrond. Go.

I liken the Phillies 2008 World Series Championship to an Aristotilian confluence of events (stay with me). Lots of things had to go the way of the Philadelphia horsies in order for the Phils to make it happen. They were:

1. Myers, Moyer and Blanton all needed to bring their best stuff for 3 starts in a row.
2. The Cubs needed to lose.
3. The Red Sox needed to lose.
4. Chad Billingsly needed to suck
5. The Rays starters all needed to suck.
6. Matt Stairs needed to hit a game-winning 2-run homer off one of the best young relievers in the league.
7. Ryan Madson needed to awesome.

And all of these things happened. See what I'm getting at? Getting to the playoffs involves being one of the best teams in the league. Winning the World Series involves skill, to be sure, but more than anything else it involves luck. The Phillies proved to be one of the best teams in baseball this past season and with a little luck they won the World Series. I couldn't be happier. I got misty-eyed when it happened. So, what now? Well, GM Pat Gillick retired and left Ruben Amaro Jr. in charge. Amaro will be faced with some difficult choices. What to do with Burrell (let him go), who's catching next season (Ruiz till June then bring up Lou Marson and his gooey .370 OBP) and the rotation (go year-to-year with Moyer, maybe give Happ a shot if he can keep the ball down). But these problems are small. The team should be pretty damn good again in '09 so there's not much to be dunn.

I'm sorry, what was that? I misspelled something? Let me check...oh that. No, not a misspelling. It was a little pun, my friends (!). You see, while working in an office enviornment, you encounter the lamest people ever to reach adulthood. Puns are a normal, recurring part of the day-to-day vernacular (not to mention HY-larious). I hate them like I hate hipsters. Yet, for some reason, I chose that to introduce the one thing I want the Phillies to do this off-season. Sign Adam Dunn.

I'll begin with the knocks against this lumbering left-fielder:

1) Dude's batting average is, like, sucky (.247 career BA...ewwww!)
2) Guy strikes out all the time. What a complete melvin! ( about 170 a season, GROSS!)
3) He plays a horrible left-field (he does suck)
4) He makes the Phillies even more left-handed. (A resonable objection.)
4) J.P Riccardi said he was a lazy dick ( True. He said so.)

Here's the thing: I only really care about one of these things. He's a lousy left-fielder, to be sure, but anything is better than Pat Burrell. Burrell, 32, and Dunn, 29, are strikingly similar players. The major differences are actually in Dunn's favor:

Career OBP:
Dunn .381
Burrell .367

Career SLG%:
Dunn .518
Burrell .485

Career Walks:
Dunn (in 3871 AB): 797
Burrell: (in 4535 AB) 785

What many are now thinking is: "But, Aaron you sniveling douche, Dunn makes the Phillies 3-5 hitters ALL left-handed. That sucks hard!" Well, I'll agree that it does. But, once again, I don't care that much. The fact that a left-handed reliever could come in late in a game and face Utley, Howard and Dunn doesn't bother me nearly as much as the alternatives. Also, let's keep in mind that Rollins, Victorino, Werth, Feliz and Ruiz are all better against left-handed pitching. So, while the top two (or three if you include Dunn) are weakened the rest of the lineup improves. Now, here's the idea that I hope is just a lie.

Recent reports suggest the new GM Ruben Amaro Jr. is considering a platoon of, wait for it, Geoff Jenkins (career .240/.310/.402 against LHP) and Greg Dobbs (career .250/.291/.288 against LHP) with a litle Matt Stairs (career .239/.330/.419 against LHP) sprinkled in for good measure. This is what the current World Champions of Baseball are considering running out in left-field for 2009. This is not a platoon. This is simply a horrible idea. A platoon, ideally, consists of two professional baseballers who play the same position. One of these baseballers is a superior batsman against pitchers of a certain handedness and the other baseballer compliments this by faring much better against pitchers of the opposite handedness. The idea of having two yins and no yangs as your platoon doesn't make less sense than having THREE yins and no yangs (TOO MUCH YIN! NOT ENOUGH YANG!) However, thanks to modern technologies like computers, spy satellites, x-ray guns, Lou Diamond Phillips, Oijui boards and the internets we now know what conversation led to this idea.

(Pat Gillick (current GM) is sitting at the head of a conference table full of executives. Ruben Amaero Jr. (potiental GM) and Mike Arbuckle (potiental GM) are to his right and left. A plethera of suits fill out the rest of the table.)

Gillick: I dunno, fellas. It's close. You're both qualified. I just don't know who to choose as my successor.
Suit #1: We need to shift paradigms, roll up our sleeves and find a can do attitude!
Suit #2: Absolutely.
Amaro: I've learned so much under you, Pat. I can lead this team to another championship.
Suit #3: But what about the Latino markets? Fastest growing demo in the country. Can the new GM be more Latino with a streetwise attitude?
Suit #2: We need all of those things.
Arbuckle: I drafted, developed and produced all of our homegrown players. I'm far more qualified than Ruben. The job is mine.
Suit #2: Good point!
Gillick: What about left-field next year? Burrell isn't coming back. What do we do?
Arbuckle: Kick the tires on free-agents, see where we are with homegrown guys...
(Amaro puts his hand up.)
Amaro: Platoon.
(The room goes silent and all eyes are on Amaro)
Suit #2: (whispering) Incredible.
Arbuckle: A platoon? (Amaro nods) With what? With who?
Gillick: I've gotta agree with Mike on this one, Ruben. We've got all left-handed guys.
Amaro: That's the old way of thinking, boys. We need to think outside the box and enter a new paradigm of thinking.
Suit #2: (whispering) He's a wizard.
Amaro: In left-field we put Jenkins and Dobbs.
(A awkward silence follows.)
Arbuckle: But they're both left-han-
Amaro: (interrupting) AND STAIRS!
(A brief silence is followed by a thunderous ovation from the suits.)
Suit #1: Wow!! A third platoon-mate! Why platoon two men when three is possible?!
Suit #2: That's the greatest idea I've ever heard!
Suit #3: He shall be our new god!
(The suits begin a chorus of "For he's a jolly good Fellow" and hoist Amaro on their shoulders.)
Amaro: (bombastic) We will smite those pitchers with our overwheming train of left-handed batsmen!!
(The suits shout a loud "Hooray!" as they carry Amaro out of the room. Gillick and Amaro remain seated.)
Arbucklle: So, I've got the job, right?
Gillick: I don't care. I'm retired.
(Gillick unbuttons the top two buttons on his Hawaiian shirt, puts on sunglasses and a straw hat.)
Arbuckle: I quit.
Gillick: Peace out, motherfuckers.

That's how an idiot-ass idea like a platoon of three left-handed, left-fielders gets started. Suits and Ruben Amero Jr.

In summation, I only request that General Manager Amero gives thought to the idea that Dunn is the same as Burrell only he gets on base more, hits for more power, plays a better left-field and is three years younger. I beg the current Phillies regime to give this idea some thought. Dunn makes the Phillies lineup substantially more awesome. Victorino, Rollins, Werth, Utley, Howard, Dunn? I'd buy that for a dollar! Robocop -- biting satire.