The Matt Stairs Show

One of the great stories of the Phillies 2008 playoff run was the clutch home run off the bat of Matthew Wade Stairs of St. John, New Brunswick. This improbable home run that sent the Philadelphia faithful into a frenzy was amazing not only because of its significance in the series, but because it allowed us to see into the mind of a simple, Canadian boy who longed for the glory of NHL greatness. Sadly for him, however, Stairs was forced to settle for baseball greatness. Personally, I think it ended up working out for him.

The inevitable post-game interview following Game four of the NLCS was rather uneventful, quote-free and awkward. Did I say quote-free? I meant highly quotable and homoerotic.

What struck me about Stairs was that he seemed completely unchanged by all the attention he was receiving. He didn't seem to care. I suppose that comes with the territory of being a seldom-used pinch-hitter who wears his jacket the entire game. Seriously, if I didn't recognize him, I'd think he was a coach. But more than that, Stairs really seemed like a down-to-Earth man's man. Dude likes to hunt, fish and throw back a few (see: beer gut). Naturally, I thought to myself "Give this man a TV show". Not the played-out, reality show where you follow around the guy and it's named something that is kind of clever at first but sounds infinitely lamer each time it's spoken like "Stairs-way to Heaven", "The Stair-down" or "I'm not your door-Matt". Nay, a played-out, generic 80's and early 90's style SITCOM!

Here's the general idea and cast of characters:

Setting: "Matt's Bait Tackle 'n Gun Depot" in Houlton, Maine. Houlton is a small town in Maine a stone's throw from the Canadian border.

Characters:

Matt Stairs: Matt, a retired baseball player, runs a bait, tackle and gun shop named "Matt's Bait Tackle 'n Gun Depot". It's nestled just at the end of the main road in Houlton. Matt's a nice guy with a wife and fully-grown kids who we never see. His shop is two stories and him and his wife live upstairs. Matt is the moral center of his friends. He's from Canada and loves all things Canadian.

Margie Stairs: Margie has been married to Matt for almost 30 years. They met at a tryout for the old Quebec Nordiques. Matt was a defenseman and Margie was goalie. They got into a fight and when paramedics removed Margie's helmet, Matt realized he'd beaten the crap out of a beautiful woman. He swore off beating women for life and they were married two years later. She helps out at the bar across the street occasionally but mostly stays around the store. Played by Annie Potts.

Herb Conroy: Matt's best friend and confidant. Herb, born and raised in Houlton, hates all things Canadian. He forgives Matt for his Canadian nationality because Matt played Herb's favorite sport (baseball). Herb is a staunch conservative and is constantly afraid of any sort of governance, laws or oversight. Conspiracy theories are kind of his bread and butter. Believe it or not, he's still looking for love. Played by everybody's mustached hero of the 1980s -- Jack Morris.

Demetrius Jackson: Demetrius, or "Jack", as he's known around the store, is our token black guy. He was born and raised in Quebec and speaks fluent French. Jack enjoys being the only black guy in town. Women love Jack because most of the women in Houlton have never actually met a black guy before. Jack is a science-fiction writer and loves making up theories to scare the crap out of Herb. Played by Alex Desert.

Troy Howard: Troy is a foul-mouthed 11-year-old who hangs around the store because he loves to hunt and fish. He doesn't exactly work there but occasionally Matt will give him a fishing rod or a gun. Matt, Margie and Herb constantly lecture him about his language and knack for tomfoolery. Jack encourages Troy all the time and it often leads to wacky things. Played by the kid who played Texas Ranger in Talladega Nights.

Lucius Thompson: Lucius owns the bar across the street where the fellas all go to get hammered. The bar doesn't need a name because it's the only bar in Houlton. He's a widow of about 60 who still chases the skirts with the best of 'em. Played by Jerry Stiller

Tell me Matt Stairs and his folksy brand of "hammering ass" wouldn't bring the funny once a week for 22 minutes. Can't do it, can you? This has to happen.