Ho. Ho. Ho. I've decided that if ABC Family can run a '25 days till the 25 days of Christmas' then I can start my holiday a little early. A month ago, my sister asked me to write a Christmas pageant for the children in her church to perform. Now, let's keep a few things in mind: my sister doesn't just go to this chruch she kind of works there. By works there, I mean she's a priest. Yup, we're Episcopalian: we let the gay and the female among us become priests which I think is kinda nice.
Anyways, I felt the old Pageants lacked a certain something. Naturally, I stuck strictly to the bible and took few liberties. Remember, the kids performing this will be 7-14. I will do this in parts. Here is part one of..........
It’s Christmas, Ya’ll
By Aaron Castellan
(CAESAR AUGUSTUS is sitting on his throne in the middle of the stage. MRS. AUGUSTUS is laying by his side and TWO JESTERS are draped over chairs on either side of him – they’re both drunk with bottles of booze in hand.)
CAESAR
Oh, jesters, my jesters. Why do you jest no longer?
JESTER #1
We’ve tasted the sweetness, darkness and loneliness of the bottle.
JESTER #2
And we want more!
CAESAR
Fooey! I say to you, fooey, oh jesters. Forget, that. I am in the mood for other things.
MRS. AUGUSTUS
What sort of things your royal badness?
CAESAR
Sweet of you to offer, wife. But I, like many others of this time, prefer young boys. Nay, I am not in the mood for pleasures of the flesh. I am in a decreeing mood!
JESTER #2
A decree?
CAESAR
Absolutely.
JESTER #1
Of what sort?
CAESAR
The lucrative kind. I run this. All this is mine. However, times a tough. We need a bailout. We need revenue. We need taxes!
(The Jesters jump for joy and in their drunken state they try to perform for the following song and dance for the king. The music to this and all songs is ‘Very Model of a Modern Major General’.)
JESTER #1 & #2
You’d be hard pressed to find a self-respecting man
To agree that there’s no better truck than a Chevy
But when times are tough, things are rough and tensions running up
What’s better than a dedicated levy?
MRS. AUGUSTUS
My husband’s tastes for gold and food are quite exquisite
So I spend my days and nights just drinking sherry
I push my feelings down inside to keep up my appearance
But on my husband’s tomb it reads “Hail Caesar! (He’s a fairy)”
CAESAR
My mouth is dry, my eyes are red and haven’t showered in a week
Heavy weighs the crown, you know, this burden’s tough to carry
But when my wife suspects that I prefer the company of boys
What’s better than a dedicated levy?
(Everybody dances to a conclusion)
CAESAR
So, it’s settled then. A tax, I say! A tax for all!
(Everybody exits. As they exit, MARY and JOSEPH enter. They’ve been traveling for a while.)
JOSEPH
For the love of GOD, woman!
MARY
I’ve with child, ya jerk! Some would say, I am great with child.
JOSEPH
Those people haven’t seen you naked lately, oy! You could hit the gym, why not?
MARY
Joe, we’ve gotta stop. I’m tired.
JOSEPH
Never! We go to the City of David to pay our taxes!
MARY
It’s Bethlehem. Nobody calls it ‘The City of David’ anymore.
JOSEPH
PEH! It’s the city of David! Who is this Bethlehem? What is that?
MARY
Can we stop?
JOSEPH
No!
(They continue to walk. A narrator’s voice is heard but not seen.)
NARRATOR
And so they trekked on. Joseph insisting they continue until they reach their destination.
(They walk off the stage. The stage goes black.)
NARRATOR
Once in the city of David, Mary gave birth to her child in a barn. She went into labor in a barn. Her initial contractions started in a barn. The kid was born in a barn. It is important to understand that Mary birthed a child in a barn.
(The lights appear and Mary is sitting with a child wrapped in the swaddling. Joseph is Proudly smoking a cigar.)
JOSEPH
Twenty sheckles for a room? PEH! I say, we sleep in the barn.
MARY
A room would have been a little nicer of a place to have a child. Could you not smoke that? The baby is coughing.
JOSEPH
Nonsense! This will teach the boy about life. He will grow up to be a strong man! A carpenter! Just like his father!
MARY
Listen, about that father thing…
NARRATOR
Mary neglected to tell Joseph about her previous visit from the angel Gabriel.
JOSEPH
I believe you neglected to mention this, wife! How did that work? Was he bigger than me?
MARY
Come on, Joe. It’s God.
(Joseph continues stomping around and the stage goes black)
NARRATOR
As it so happened, God did not want his child to be born without fanfare. So, he rounded up some spectators. First on the list – shepherds.
(The lights come back on as as see three shepherds, GARY, WINSTON and PETE, standing around looking at their sheep.)
GARY
Winston!
WINSTON
What?
GARY
Get your damn sheep away from me. They smell funny..
PETE
You smell funny.
GARY
I wasn’t talking to you, Pete.
WINSTON
Hey! Shut up, Gary.
GABRIEL
ENOUGH!
(GABRIEL’s booming voice is heard off-stage. The shepherds all look up and cower.)
PETE
Uh…god?
GABRIEL
No!
GARY
Muhammad?
GABRIEL
Gabriel, you morons!
WINSTON
Who?
GABRIEL
The Angel Gabriel!
PETE
Oh…of course…Gabriel.
GARY
What’s up, Gabes?
GABRIEL
You still don’t know who I am, do you?
WINSTON
Sure, we do! Weren’t we in the coast guard together or something?
GABRIEL
No! Never mind. Listen, go to the city of David.
GARY
Which city is that?
PETE
I don’t know. Winston?
WINSTON
I don’t know either.
GABRIEL
Ugh, for the love of- Bethlehem!
WINSTON
Oh, why didn’t you just say that?
GABRIEL
It doesn’t matter! There’s this kid – crackerjack kid, you’re gonna love him. Go see him and bring him stuff.
GARY
Let’s say we go see this kid, where is he?
GABRIEL
Oh, that’s the best part! He’s in a barn.
PETE
A barn?
WINSTON
Which one?
GABRIEL
Well, it’s, you know, it’s that one…over by the…how many barns could there be?
GARY
Quite a few actually, Gabriel.
PETE
What about our sheep?
GABRIEL
This isn’t me telling you. This is God.
WINSTON
Why didn’t he tell us himself?
GARY
Yeah. Is talking to a couple shepherds beneath him?
GABRIEL
Yeah, he sends me to do stuff from time to time.
PETE
What happens if we don’t go?
GABRIEL
You see all these sheep?
WINSTON
What about ‘em?
GABRIEL
Yeah, I’ll kill ‘em. All of ‘em. You’ll cease to be shepherds and you’ll just be three guys walking around.
GARY
That’s really true isn’t it? I mean, take away the sheep and we kind of suck.
WINSTON
Man, that really is true.
GABRIEL
Good, you’re all scared now, yes?
PETE
I’m more confused than scared.
GABRIEL
Good enough. Now GO!
NARRATOR
The three confused shepherds decided to take the angel’s advice and travel to Bethlehem.
(The shepherds walk off the stage. The stage goes black.)
By Aaron Castellan
(CAESAR AUGUSTUS is sitting on his throne in the middle of the stage. MRS. AUGUSTUS is laying by his side and TWO JESTERS are draped over chairs on either side of him – they’re both drunk with bottles of booze in hand.)
CAESAR
Oh, jesters, my jesters. Why do you jest no longer?
JESTER #1
We’ve tasted the sweetness, darkness and loneliness of the bottle.
JESTER #2
And we want more!
CAESAR
Fooey! I say to you, fooey, oh jesters. Forget, that. I am in the mood for other things.
MRS. AUGUSTUS
What sort of things your royal badness?
CAESAR
Sweet of you to offer, wife. But I, like many others of this time, prefer young boys. Nay, I am not in the mood for pleasures of the flesh. I am in a decreeing mood!
JESTER #2
A decree?
CAESAR
Absolutely.
JESTER #1
Of what sort?
CAESAR
The lucrative kind. I run this. All this is mine. However, times a tough. We need a bailout. We need revenue. We need taxes!
(The Jesters jump for joy and in their drunken state they try to perform for the following song and dance for the king. The music to this and all songs is ‘Very Model of a Modern Major General’.)
JESTER #1 & #2
You’d be hard pressed to find a self-respecting man
To agree that there’s no better truck than a Chevy
But when times are tough, things are rough and tensions running up
What’s better than a dedicated levy?
MRS. AUGUSTUS
My husband’s tastes for gold and food are quite exquisite
So I spend my days and nights just drinking sherry
I push my feelings down inside to keep up my appearance
But on my husband’s tomb it reads “Hail Caesar! (He’s a fairy)”
CAESAR
My mouth is dry, my eyes are red and haven’t showered in a week
Heavy weighs the crown, you know, this burden’s tough to carry
But when my wife suspects that I prefer the company of boys
What’s better than a dedicated levy?
(Everybody dances to a conclusion)
CAESAR
So, it’s settled then. A tax, I say! A tax for all!
(Everybody exits. As they exit, MARY and JOSEPH enter. They’ve been traveling for a while.)
JOSEPH
For the love of GOD, woman!
MARY
I’ve with child, ya jerk! Some would say, I am great with child.
JOSEPH
Those people haven’t seen you naked lately, oy! You could hit the gym, why not?
MARY
Joe, we’ve gotta stop. I’m tired.
JOSEPH
Never! We go to the City of David to pay our taxes!
MARY
It’s Bethlehem. Nobody calls it ‘The City of David’ anymore.
JOSEPH
PEH! It’s the city of David! Who is this Bethlehem? What is that?
MARY
Can we stop?
JOSEPH
No!
(They continue to walk. A narrator’s voice is heard but not seen.)
NARRATOR
And so they trekked on. Joseph insisting they continue until they reach their destination.
(They walk off the stage. The stage goes black.)
NARRATOR
Once in the city of David, Mary gave birth to her child in a barn. She went into labor in a barn. Her initial contractions started in a barn. The kid was born in a barn. It is important to understand that Mary birthed a child in a barn.
(The lights appear and Mary is sitting with a child wrapped in the swaddling. Joseph is Proudly smoking a cigar.)
JOSEPH
Twenty sheckles for a room? PEH! I say, we sleep in the barn.
MARY
A room would have been a little nicer of a place to have a child. Could you not smoke that? The baby is coughing.
JOSEPH
Nonsense! This will teach the boy about life. He will grow up to be a strong man! A carpenter! Just like his father!
MARY
Listen, about that father thing…
NARRATOR
Mary neglected to tell Joseph about her previous visit from the angel Gabriel.
JOSEPH
I believe you neglected to mention this, wife! How did that work? Was he bigger than me?
MARY
Come on, Joe. It’s God.
(Joseph continues stomping around and the stage goes black)
NARRATOR
As it so happened, God did not want his child to be born without fanfare. So, he rounded up some spectators. First on the list – shepherds.
(The lights come back on as as see three shepherds, GARY, WINSTON and PETE, standing around looking at their sheep.)
GARY
Winston!
WINSTON
What?
GARY
Get your damn sheep away from me. They smell funny..
PETE
You smell funny.
GARY
I wasn’t talking to you, Pete.
WINSTON
Hey! Shut up, Gary.
GABRIEL
ENOUGH!
(GABRIEL’s booming voice is heard off-stage. The shepherds all look up and cower.)
PETE
Uh…god?
GABRIEL
No!
GARY
Muhammad?
GABRIEL
Gabriel, you morons!
WINSTON
Who?
GABRIEL
The Angel Gabriel!
PETE
Oh…of course…Gabriel.
GARY
What’s up, Gabes?
GABRIEL
You still don’t know who I am, do you?
WINSTON
Sure, we do! Weren’t we in the coast guard together or something?
GABRIEL
No! Never mind. Listen, go to the city of David.
GARY
Which city is that?
PETE
I don’t know. Winston?
WINSTON
I don’t know either.
GABRIEL
Ugh, for the love of- Bethlehem!
WINSTON
Oh, why didn’t you just say that?
GABRIEL
It doesn’t matter! There’s this kid – crackerjack kid, you’re gonna love him. Go see him and bring him stuff.
GARY
Let’s say we go see this kid, where is he?
GABRIEL
Oh, that’s the best part! He’s in a barn.
PETE
A barn?
WINSTON
Which one?
GABRIEL
Well, it’s, you know, it’s that one…over by the…how many barns could there be?
GARY
Quite a few actually, Gabriel.
PETE
What about our sheep?
GABRIEL
This isn’t me telling you. This is God.
WINSTON
Why didn’t he tell us himself?
GARY
Yeah. Is talking to a couple shepherds beneath him?
GABRIEL
Yeah, he sends me to do stuff from time to time.
PETE
What happens if we don’t go?
GABRIEL
You see all these sheep?
WINSTON
What about ‘em?
GABRIEL
Yeah, I’ll kill ‘em. All of ‘em. You’ll cease to be shepherds and you’ll just be three guys walking around.
GARY
That’s really true isn’t it? I mean, take away the sheep and we kind of suck.
WINSTON
Man, that really is true.
GABRIEL
Good, you’re all scared now, yes?
PETE
I’m more confused than scared.
GABRIEL
Good enough. Now GO!
NARRATOR
The three confused shepherds decided to take the angel’s advice and travel to Bethlehem.
(The shepherds walk off the stage. The stage goes black.)
Next part is tomorrow....
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