Aaaand here's the third and final installment of my Christmas Pageant that will be performed in some capacity by children under the age of fifteen. Enjoy.
NARRATOR
With that rousing number, the three wise-men, Frank, Al and Tim ventured off to find the King of the Jews. Little did they know they were about to run into some tough customers.
(The lights come back on as Gary, Pete and Winston are standing around with sheep surrounding them.)
PETE
I don’t like this silence.
WINSTON
I like silence.
GARY
I’m fairly indifferent towards it.
PETE
You two are the worst.
GARY
Hey, you asked the question.
PETE
Yeah, to start a conversation. Look how that turned out.
WINSTON
Look, we’ve got time. Our sheep are tired. Why don’t we sleep while the sheep sleep?
PETE
You can’t say that ten times fast, can you, Winston?
WINSTON
I’m not even gonna try because I don’t like your dumb face.
GARY
Come on, let’s just keep an eye out. Oh god, it’s three other guys.
(Enter FRANK, AL and TIM)
GARY
Hey, fellas.
AL
What ho, good shepherds?
FRANK
What ho?
WINSTON
He just said that.
FRANK
Just hammering home the point.
TIM
Shut up. We’re looking for the King of the Jews. You seen him?
GARY
King of the Jews?
PETE
Like, all of ‘em?
AL
I guess? Tim?
TIM
Yes, King of the Jews. King of all Jews.
WINSTON
That’s a good title.
FRANK
You know, it really is. I’m wise, but to be king of all Jews? A fella could get used to that sort of thing.
TIM
Have you seen him?
PETE
Well, that all depends. What’s in it for us lowly shepherds?
AL
I’ve got some gold.
GARY
Done. He’s in Nazareth. Dad’s Joseph. Mom’s Mary. He's in the yellow reading group -- bright kid.
WINSTON
Great family.
PETE
We’ve basically been touring around talking about how awesome the kid is.
TIM
Why?
GARY
No particular reason.
WINSTON
We’re shepherds. Take away the sheep and we don’t do anything.
PETE
So, we figured we’d at least do something other than shepherding while we’re walking around all over the place.
AL
That’s really true.
TIM
Alright, guys. Thanks for the help. We’ll be on our way.
(The three wise-men wander off the stage.)
WINSTON
Why did you dime them out like that?
GARY
Dude, gold.
WINSTON
Yeah.
(The lights go to black.)
NARRATOR
The shepherds Winston, Gary and Pete thought nothing of pointing the wise-men in the right direction. The wise-men followed the path to Nazareth and arrived to the home of Joseph.
(A KNOCK is heard as the lights come on and Mary is preparing a meal. Joseph is sitting at the table sipping wine and baby Jesus/Rick is playing on the ground. Before Mary can answer the door AL, FRANK and TIM enter.)
JOSEPH
Just who might you be, with all the robes?
TIM
Friends.
JOSEPH
So go and tell us your names, why not?
AL
I’m Al. That’s Frank and that’s Tim.
MARY
Welcome. Is there something you need?
FRANK
Who’s the small child?
MARY
Jesus.
JOSEPH
(at the same time)
Rick
MARY
It’s Jesus. Joe has trouble dealing with that.
JOSEPH
You’d think I could name my own son, perhaps? PEH!
AL
Is he by chance king of the-
MARY
Jews? Yes, he is. He’s quite a boy. Yellow reading group. That's the highest.
JOSEPH
I don’t even recognize this family sometimes, oy.
TIM
Well, the king is quite impressed with your boy and he has requested that young Jesus come to the court of Herod and be worshipped as a King should.
MARY
That sounds lovely.
JOSEPH
The court of Herod? I hear that’s a dangerous place, perhaps.
FRANK
Maybe for dissenters. Are you dissenters?
TIM
After that I doubt they’d tell you if they were, Frank.
FRANK
Ah, yes. Well, either way your dissenting days are over.
JOSEPH
Before I even got a chance to dissent in the first place. This is one rotten day.
MARY
We’d love to see the king and have him worship my child. That’s a mighty nice thing to do.
AL
Sure is.
TIM
Great. If you don’t mind putting us up, we’ll leave in the morning.
(The stage goes black.)
NARRATOR
But that night, something happened to the noble wise-man Tim. He was visited by an angel in his sleep. The message that angel brought was that the life of Jesus would hang in the balance if he were to be delivered to Herod.
(The lights come on and Tim is fast asleep. GABRIEL’s voice is heard.)
GABRIEL
TIM!
TIM
What?
GABRIEL
Oh, um, Tim! Tim the wise man!
TIM
I’m awake, moron. Who’s talking?
GABRIEL
It is I! The angel of the Lord!
TIM
I don’t know who that is.
GABRIEL
Ugh…come on, man! Gabriel!
TIM
Oh….oh…you…what’s-what’s goin' on, buddy?
GABRIEL
Do you know who I am?
TIM
An angel of some kind?
GABRIEL
You don’t do you?
TIM
Not really.
GABRIEL
I bring to you a message from God.
TIM
Any reason he can’t just tell me himself?
GABRIEL
Well…cause…you know what?! I am getting tired of going through this with everybody! Every time I visit somebody it’s all “Who’s Gabriel?” and “Why can’t God just tell me himself?” or “You’re just a middle-man. How do you live with yourself?” That’s bull-crap. I am God’s right-hand man!
TIM
Yeah, that or his servant.
GABRIEL
(whining) No, I’m not.
TIM
Okay. Something you need from me?
GABRIEL
Don’t take Jesus to Herod.
TIM
I know.
GABRIEL
Take hi- wait, what?
TIM
I knew that. Guy sang a song about killing him and those two ding dongs were too caught up to notice. We’re gonna take him someplace else.
GABRIEL
Egypt.
TIM
Egypt?
GABRIEL
What’s wrong with Egypt?
TIM
It’s a little random, don’t you think?
GABRIEL
Listen, if you don’t take him to Egypt then I will have wasted my time even talking to you.
TIM
Well, I certainly don’t want that to happen, Gabriel.
GABRIEL
Exactly. I am an important angel. Go to Egypt. Go there because I told you to.
TIM
God told me to.
GABRIEL
No! Me! I told you!
TIM
Fine. That it?
GABRIEL
Yes…goodbye!
(The lights go out.)
GABRIEL
Jerk.
NARRATOR
And when everybody woke up the next morning, Tim led them all to Egypt. Jesus and his family were safe and the three wise-men were off the hook. However, as time passed Herod slowly realized he would never see the King of the Jews.
(The lights come on and Herod is sitting on that throne. A WOMAN is draped over a couch next to him.)
HEROD
This isn’t right. I’ve been foiled by a couple of idiots and one reasonably wise man. I’m ruined!
WOMAN
Don’t cry. You’re still my king.
HEROD
Who cares? There’s another king out there. Ooh! I hates wisemen!
WOMAN
You needn’t worry, king. You’ll never hear from that King of the Jews again.
HEROD
You know what? You’re right.
(Herod gets up and starts to sing. Same music.)
HEROD
As so it goes, far off they went
To ignore my lone request
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it twice
King Herod always knows what’s best.
WOMAN
I’m a loyal woman can’t you see?
If I see rules, I know they’ll bend.
But if I know one thing for sure:
You’ll never see that jerk again.
HEROD
You know you’re right, my loyal wife
This is the absolutely where this story ends
That Jesus clown was just a myth
I’ll never see that jerk again.
WOMAN & HEROD
And our story ends with song
And musical accompaniment
For all of those of you who hate
Take our advice and go get bent.
Herod’s story is a happy one
He’s his father’s favorite son
It’s our position, yes, we do contend
My kingdom will never see it’s end
Jesus Christ will never be my friend
We know we’ll never see that jerk again
(The stage goes black.)
The End.....ya'll
With that rousing number, the three wise-men, Frank, Al and Tim ventured off to find the King of the Jews. Little did they know they were about to run into some tough customers.
(The lights come back on as Gary, Pete and Winston are standing around with sheep surrounding them.)
PETE
I don’t like this silence.
WINSTON
I like silence.
GARY
I’m fairly indifferent towards it.
PETE
You two are the worst.
GARY
Hey, you asked the question.
PETE
Yeah, to start a conversation. Look how that turned out.
WINSTON
Look, we’ve got time. Our sheep are tired. Why don’t we sleep while the sheep sleep?
PETE
You can’t say that ten times fast, can you, Winston?
WINSTON
I’m not even gonna try because I don’t like your dumb face.
GARY
Come on, let’s just keep an eye out. Oh god, it’s three other guys.
(Enter FRANK, AL and TIM)
GARY
Hey, fellas.
AL
What ho, good shepherds?
FRANK
What ho?
WINSTON
He just said that.
FRANK
Just hammering home the point.
TIM
Shut up. We’re looking for the King of the Jews. You seen him?
GARY
King of the Jews?
PETE
Like, all of ‘em?
AL
I guess? Tim?
TIM
Yes, King of the Jews. King of all Jews.
WINSTON
That’s a good title.
FRANK
You know, it really is. I’m wise, but to be king of all Jews? A fella could get used to that sort of thing.
TIM
Have you seen him?
PETE
Well, that all depends. What’s in it for us lowly shepherds?
AL
I’ve got some gold.
GARY
Done. He’s in Nazareth. Dad’s Joseph. Mom’s Mary. He's in the yellow reading group -- bright kid.
WINSTON
Great family.
PETE
We’ve basically been touring around talking about how awesome the kid is.
TIM
Why?
GARY
No particular reason.
WINSTON
We’re shepherds. Take away the sheep and we don’t do anything.
PETE
So, we figured we’d at least do something other than shepherding while we’re walking around all over the place.
AL
That’s really true.
TIM
Alright, guys. Thanks for the help. We’ll be on our way.
(The three wise-men wander off the stage.)
WINSTON
Why did you dime them out like that?
GARY
Dude, gold.
WINSTON
Yeah.
(The lights go to black.)
NARRATOR
The shepherds Winston, Gary and Pete thought nothing of pointing the wise-men in the right direction. The wise-men followed the path to Nazareth and arrived to the home of Joseph.
(A KNOCK is heard as the lights come on and Mary is preparing a meal. Joseph is sitting at the table sipping wine and baby Jesus/Rick is playing on the ground. Before Mary can answer the door AL, FRANK and TIM enter.)
JOSEPH
Just who might you be, with all the robes?
TIM
Friends.
JOSEPH
So go and tell us your names, why not?
AL
I’m Al. That’s Frank and that’s Tim.
MARY
Welcome. Is there something you need?
FRANK
Who’s the small child?
MARY
Jesus.
JOSEPH
(at the same time)
Rick
MARY
It’s Jesus. Joe has trouble dealing with that.
JOSEPH
You’d think I could name my own son, perhaps? PEH!
AL
Is he by chance king of the-
MARY
Jews? Yes, he is. He’s quite a boy. Yellow reading group. That's the highest.
JOSEPH
I don’t even recognize this family sometimes, oy.
TIM
Well, the king is quite impressed with your boy and he has requested that young Jesus come to the court of Herod and be worshipped as a King should.
MARY
That sounds lovely.
JOSEPH
The court of Herod? I hear that’s a dangerous place, perhaps.
FRANK
Maybe for dissenters. Are you dissenters?
TIM
After that I doubt they’d tell you if they were, Frank.
FRANK
Ah, yes. Well, either way your dissenting days are over.
JOSEPH
Before I even got a chance to dissent in the first place. This is one rotten day.
MARY
We’d love to see the king and have him worship my child. That’s a mighty nice thing to do.
AL
Sure is.
TIM
Great. If you don’t mind putting us up, we’ll leave in the morning.
(The stage goes black.)
NARRATOR
But that night, something happened to the noble wise-man Tim. He was visited by an angel in his sleep. The message that angel brought was that the life of Jesus would hang in the balance if he were to be delivered to Herod.
(The lights come on and Tim is fast asleep. GABRIEL’s voice is heard.)
GABRIEL
TIM!
TIM
What?
GABRIEL
Oh, um, Tim! Tim the wise man!
TIM
I’m awake, moron. Who’s talking?
GABRIEL
It is I! The angel of the Lord!
TIM
I don’t know who that is.
GABRIEL
Ugh…come on, man! Gabriel!
TIM
Oh….oh…you…what’s-what’s goin' on, buddy?
GABRIEL
Do you know who I am?
TIM
An angel of some kind?
GABRIEL
You don’t do you?
TIM
Not really.
GABRIEL
I bring to you a message from God.
TIM
Any reason he can’t just tell me himself?
GABRIEL
Well…cause…you know what?! I am getting tired of going through this with everybody! Every time I visit somebody it’s all “Who’s Gabriel?” and “Why can’t God just tell me himself?” or “You’re just a middle-man. How do you live with yourself?” That’s bull-crap. I am God’s right-hand man!
TIM
Yeah, that or his servant.
GABRIEL
(whining) No, I’m not.
TIM
Okay. Something you need from me?
GABRIEL
Don’t take Jesus to Herod.
TIM
I know.
GABRIEL
Take hi- wait, what?
TIM
I knew that. Guy sang a song about killing him and those two ding dongs were too caught up to notice. We’re gonna take him someplace else.
GABRIEL
Egypt.
TIM
Egypt?
GABRIEL
What’s wrong with Egypt?
TIM
It’s a little random, don’t you think?
GABRIEL
Listen, if you don’t take him to Egypt then I will have wasted my time even talking to you.
TIM
Well, I certainly don’t want that to happen, Gabriel.
GABRIEL
Exactly. I am an important angel. Go to Egypt. Go there because I told you to.
TIM
God told me to.
GABRIEL
No! Me! I told you!
TIM
Fine. That it?
GABRIEL
Yes…goodbye!
(The lights go out.)
GABRIEL
Jerk.
NARRATOR
And when everybody woke up the next morning, Tim led them all to Egypt. Jesus and his family were safe and the three wise-men were off the hook. However, as time passed Herod slowly realized he would never see the King of the Jews.
(The lights come on and Herod is sitting on that throne. A WOMAN is draped over a couch next to him.)
HEROD
This isn’t right. I’ve been foiled by a couple of idiots and one reasonably wise man. I’m ruined!
WOMAN
Don’t cry. You’re still my king.
HEROD
Who cares? There’s another king out there. Ooh! I hates wisemen!
WOMAN
You needn’t worry, king. You’ll never hear from that King of the Jews again.
HEROD
You know what? You’re right.
(Herod gets up and starts to sing. Same music.)
HEROD
As so it goes, far off they went
To ignore my lone request
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it twice
King Herod always knows what’s best.
WOMAN
I’m a loyal woman can’t you see?
If I see rules, I know they’ll bend.
But if I know one thing for sure:
You’ll never see that jerk again.
HEROD
You know you’re right, my loyal wife
This is the absolutely where this story ends
That Jesus clown was just a myth
I’ll never see that jerk again.
WOMAN & HEROD
And our story ends with song
And musical accompaniment
For all of those of you who hate
Take our advice and go get bent.
Herod’s story is a happy one
He’s his father’s favorite son
It’s our position, yes, we do contend
My kingdom will never see it’s end
Jesus Christ will never be my friend
We know we’ll never see that jerk again
(The stage goes black.)
The End.....ya'll
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