Donovan McNabb, Andy Reid and, for some reason, Karl Malone

I figured I'd give the Donovan McNabb a day to flesh itself out and for Andy Reid to name a starter for Thursday before I address the clusterfuck that is the Philadelphia Eagles.

This team is supremely eff'd up. (I love football but don't understand it nearly as well as I do other sports so I'll leave analyzing to others) What the hell is wrong with them? Is McNabb that bad? Are better receivers really the ticket? Is it the line? Play-calling? Westbrook? Buckhalter? Why isn't this team good? They should be. They should be better. They aren't. I couldn't tell you why. What I can speak to is how bad I feel for Don and how much of a surly, douche Andy Ried has become.

For better or worse, Donovan McNabb has been the franchise ever since he took the starting job from tragic, Shakspearian figure, Doug Pederson. Dude's put up great seasons with guys like James Thrash, Todd Pinkston, Freddie Mitchell, Reggie Brown, Greg Lewis and Billy McMullen (did you know his first name is Wilbur?) catching his balls. The one year he had a real receiver he went to the Super Bowl and won an MVP. The guy's earned some dignity. Sadly, he gets ripped all the time. People think he's soft. People say he'll never win a Super Bowl. People think he gets hurt too much. The last one I especially have a problem with.

Can you really rip someone for getting seriously injured multiple times? I can understand if it was a nagging ankle thing that the guy complains about all the time but that was never the deal. McNabb sustained serious injuries and missed considerable amounts of time. People don't like that. People seem to think that's a weakness. I think it's bad luck. I think he keeps himself in pretty good shape and has taken some nasty hits. He's taken hits that guys like Manning and Brady haven't taken. And people act like that's some sort of weakness. "Dude, he tore his ACL. What a punk." "Guy, got a sports hernia. Whatever, DOUCHE!" Know who else tore their ACL? Tom Brady. Is Tom Brady soft? Is he a bitch because he tore his ACL? (Of course not, we all know he is a bitch for other reasons. ZING!)

As for Andy Reid, I think this was simple. Payback. That's right. Coach Morman weren't too thrilled with them there elections and felt the black folk were getting a little too much clout in today's increasingly less-Mormon world. He wanted to send a message. Plain and simple. Ain't no free rides, McNabb. You screw up, you get benched. Andy Reid, you see, is obviously a racist man. I know this because he's a Mormon. Mormons are known throughout the universe for being, among other things, polygamists and blatant un-checked racists. Because, honestly, how many black people live in Utah? I'm told there are seven and Karl Malone is five of them. Karl Malone would like you to know he will take care of this Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb business as soon as he saves the city of Curryville, Missouri from raging crystal meth and inexpensive, high-calorie foods. Karl Malone doesn't appreciate people who don't appreciate their health. When Malone was playing for the Jazz, Reid was coaching for the Packers. When Reid went to a Jazz game he made the comment "That Karl Malone is a great athlete." Since it was Utah and children aren't allowed to play or watch basketball, the arena was empty and Karl heard Andy. Malone assume he was referring to the stereotype that African-Americans are superior athletes than European-whiteys like Andy Reid. This was, of course, a silly misunderstanding. Karl Malone didn't think it was, however, and chased Andy Reid around the arena for close to 30 minutes. Reid's only alive because he was on a golf cart and Malone was on foot. They haven't spoken since. It's likely Karl Malone is in the process of killing Andy Reid.

You've been warned.

(In case you're stupid, the last paragraph was a joke. I don't really think Andy Reid is a racist, just a bad football coach.)