Git-R-Done: Why steroids hate America

It's been more than a slow week in the world of sports. Even in the Philly arena of things all I can seem to come across is Bill Conlin explaining how the Phillies are stupid not to pay Ryan Howard every penny he wants and how Larry Brown really did love A.I. Nothing seems to grab me. Stephen A. Smith has a blog now, but that's kind of shooting fish in a barrel in terms of humor (with him it's sort of like making fun of Larry the Cable Guy, you don't even need to make a joke or anything because if you just read exactly what's written or listen exactly to what's been said it's funny enough on it's own.)

So, just what the crap could I write about? I figure I'll do the same thing I do whenever I'm starved for conversation - I'll lie. Not lying in the sense of saying I have a great job or I'm an astronaut. Lying in the sense of I'll pretend to believe something I actually don't. Going to politics classes with a room full of dirty hippies isn't much fun when everyone agrees with each other ("This countrryyy is run by corporaaations." "Republicans just want moneeeyyy and guuunss." "Bush is soo worse than terrorists." Seriously, go die.). How do you make a class like that interesting? Pretend to disagree with them. Defending a belief you think is wrong strengthens your real opinion on the matter. Plus, it's the only way to sit through three hours a week with the cast of "Hair" and "Godspell" and not want to throw yourself headfirst into a wall of broken beer bottles.

As for the topic, I figure people seemed pretty pissed off about steroids so what the hell. You can read a column like this from any "holier than thou" journalist who wanted to feel good about themselves. There's no shortage of them. And........GO!



In the chaotic world in which we all live it can become easy to wall victim to the quick fix. Be it a 600 dollar check from Uncle Sam so you'll "stimulate the economy" (Does having sex with a sales associate in the dressing room of J.C Penny count as stimulating the economy? I dunno, I was a Communications major.) or a diet pill that makes you poop off those extra pounds so you can fit into whatever dress for whatever event. The world we live in is full of quick fixes. Let's be clear - none of these fixes are real, none of these fixes are permanent and none of them are good. We should not tolerate the use of said fixes in our national pastime - major league baseball.

It has been shown to the people time and time again that baseball has been corrupted for years. We know this from players making statements, Congressional testimony, personal stories, checks and orders for supplements. For years we have heard Bud Selig insist there is not drug problem in baseball, only to have George Mitchell come out with a report that essentially calls him a douche and a liar. We have the evidence we need. We know people have tested positive for steroids. Brian McNamee had no reason to lie about Roger Clemens' steroid use so we know Clemens' is lying himself. This is just common sense.

Baseball, in it's purest form, is a gentleman's game. The hardest working are those who stand victorious and the lazy fall behind. Baseball is about practice and work ethic. It represents everything America stands for. It beckons one to think of the 1950's when men worked 40 hours a week at the mill and came home to a wife, children, a dog and maybe even a television set. Father was respected in the home. Mother made the supper. The children did talk smart ass to mother or father. These are the things baseball used to represent. Steroids have ruined all of the fine principals upon which baseball once stood.

Heroes of the game like Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Ty Cobb and Pete Rose were the kind of ballplayer a father could point out to his son and say, "Boy, now you watch that man right there." The son would watch, his eyes as big as Reese's Cups, and the boy would say, "Someday, I'm gonna grow up and be just like him." And that would be a good thing. Ruth, DiMaggio, Cobb - sure they were womanizing, racist drunks but that's America. Steroids, simply put, are not America.

The settlers of the old West had a saying, "If they're brown - shoot 'em down. If they're black - just pay 'em less." That rallying cry of the old settlers speaks to the hard working nature the they possessed. They knew prosperity would not come from a needle in the caboose, a handout from Uncle Sam or a diet from Southern Florida. They knew with a little elbow grease, a tug on the ole' bootstraps and a little bit of smilin' from the good Lord things were gonna be just fine. These are the values we want our children to have. Steroids make a mockery of the spirit of the Old West. I'll be damned if my kids are going to mock the Old West.

Kids who see Mark McGwire or Rafael Palmerio or (God, help us) Ryan Franklin failing drug tests think to themselves, "Wow, these are my heroes. If they did it, heck, why can't I?" Mind you, these are kids ages 10 and under - the older kids are probably already doing steroids. They figure a little juice is all they need to get them over the hump, and that is just not the case. Ballplayers are teaching kids to cheat. Steroids are cheating. They are against the law. They give the athlete an unfair competitive advantage. They teach my kids, they teach your kids, that cheating is the way to success.

Major League Baseball needs to make an example of these players. I'm talking banishment from the game in all forms. No Hall of Fame, no more playing, no more coaching and no television appearances. These players have got to understand they are ruining a game that once stood upon the pillars of dignity and honor this country once represented. Every player mentioned in the Mitchell Report should be forced to admit he was wrong, apologize to the fans and be banned from the game for at least a year. It sickens me to see players named in that report signing fat contracts. The owners should collectively refuse to deal with any player that has a connection to these dirty dealings.

The time has come to take back our pastime. The game that, as a boy in the mid 1940's, kept me up late a night. The game that teaches the values necessary to mold a boy into a man. The game that once did not allow blacks but learned it's lesson after about 70 years. The game that means so much to our culture. The game that brings families together. That game that ceased to be the moment a player looked for an edge in a needle. The game that you and I grew up with. The game that you and I both want back.

Bud Selig, do the right thing.



Wow, serious business. That's all lies and appeals to emotion but it sure sounds nice. Tomorrow, we'll hear from my colleague on why Eagles fans should hate the Giants more than the Cowboys. Should be a hoot.