If you're reading this far, it's clear that two of the words in the title are, in fact, not words at all. They are made up. What is also clear is that Bill Plaschke is a goddamn poet/genius whose words dance about the page like a plastic bag caught in a summer br......yadda yadda yadda. Did I mention Mr. Plaschke's words of beauty are about sports? Oh, yes. You see, Bill Plaschke has won awards for excellence in sports journalism. He's an award-winning, sports journalist. I'd like you all to keep these things in mind when you read tripe like this. Mr. Bill has decided to posit Bud Selig's generous salary of 18 million dollars against Barry Bonds and his five failed steroid tests. Confused? Wondering what one has to do with the other? Fear not. It will all be made clear.
I doubt anybody in Bud Selig's position have called the cops on Bonds. Is Seilg over-paid? Yes. Is he a great commissioner? Not really. Did Bonds take roids? Yup. That's what we learn from this article. Nothing else interesting is going on.
His words follow, mine are italicized.
Baseball shares in shame and blame over Bonds
Commissioner Bud Selig, whose multimillion-dollar annual salary was revealed this week, appears to have done nothing as the sport was fooled and humiliated by its most celebrated player.
Oh, well.....um...that sure is neat. I assume you are claiming that Selig ought to share much of the blame that Bonds has been feeling because he made a ton of money while Bonds failed some tests (only one of which wasn'anonymous) and did nothing to villify the man at the time. Perhaps you are going to contend that Selig turned a blind eye to these positive tests? Are you going to explore the ethical question of whether it would have been right for Selig to blow the whistle on his own company at a time when roids were not a banned substance and the man who was using them was bringing tons of positive attantion to the sport? Because, if so, that could be interesting. It's a moral thing. An ethical thing.
Even in a sports world with statistics spilling out of its hat like Larry Fitzgerald's hair, it's been quite the week for numbers.
Guess not. But, ya know, fucking....topical brah. High-fives all around.
Football is celebrating six, the record number of Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl championships.
Basketball is celebrating 61, the record number of points Kobe Bryant scored at Madison Square Garden.
Baseball is, well, baseball, which means it's not celebrating numbers, but mourning them.
HA! One of something is barely even a quarter as funny as three of something. Also, I have never in my life heard of, read about, took note of or sat upon anybody mourning numbers. But, I can over-look that because he mentioned Larry Fitzgerald. I know Larry Fitzgerald. Bill Plaschke gets guys like me. Prose on you big lug.
They are 18.35 million and five.
All right. Let's put all these numbers together and see what the meaning of all these numbers could be. We've got 6, 61, 18,350,000 and 5. Oh, and we are mourning the last two. I'm looking for patterns.....nope. I got nothing. I give up. What's the meaning of these numbers? Be my wikipedia, sir.
The first is the reported recent annual salary of Commissioner Bud Selig.
The second is the number of times Barry Bonds apparently tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs on Selig's watch.
DAAAAAAMN!!!! What a zinger. He built me up and just...you know...wham! Hits me over the head with these cold, hard facts. I'm left to pick up the pieces of what I used to think was true in this world. Keep going. For the love of Jecus Christ, keep going!
Oh, yeah, add one more number to that list -- zero.
That's how many times Bonds was suspended for any of it.
Punchy. That's how I would describe this man's writing style. Paragraphs are rarely longer than a single sentance because it's punchier that way. Numbers are short and quick and columns are punchier that way. Bill also gets drunk and free-styles poetic phrases into a video camera because it makes his writing punchier (do yourself a solid and check it out at www.plaschkesoulfeelings.com). When I read sports writers writing lazy columns with lazy arguments and lazy jokes I get punchier. When I drink and read the same articles I also get stabbier, so let's move on.
In the wake of a pay stub revelation that should embarrass Selig, and court documents that could imprison Bonds, it's hard to know which is more amazing.
That the guy who presides over America's most troubled major sport makes about $7 million more than Roger Goodell, the NFL guy who runs America's most popular major sport?
The NFL has 16 regular season games and four playoff rounds. Major League Baseball has 162 games and the potiental for 19 more post-season games. Baseball makes a TON of money. Their guy gets paid more than the football guy. Nothing about this is amazing.
The evidence released Wednesday in advance of Bonds' upcoming perjury trial tells us more about the demons of the game than the sickness of the man.
"immigants? I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them!" It's no longer Bonds' fault because we've grown tired of talking about him. We're moving on the the commisioner. Why? Well, dude makes like 5484359 kagerbillzillion dollars a year so fuck him!
That Bonds used steroids? We knew that. Nothing can shock us there anymore, not after spending years staring at the size of his head and the length of his homers.
Two things 1) that's not a sentance 2) gross
But, goodness, according to Wednesday's evidence, baseball was not only fooled, it was humiliated, and you wonder how a man who makes so much money could rule so cheaply.
Again, dudebrah, you're losing me with these made up phrases. How does one rule cheaply? Was his lack of discipline with Bonds a result of Selig's frugal nature? Or, were you simply writing poems again? ".....how a man who makes so much money could rule so cheaply" You are William fucking Shakespere.
According to the court documents, the dates of Bonds' first three failed drug tests occurred in the winter of 2000-01.Oh, well.....um...that sure is neat. I assume you are claiming that Selig ought to share much of the blame that Bonds has been feeling because he made a ton of money while Bonds failed some tests (only one of which wasn'anonymous) and did nothing to villify the man at the time. Perhaps you are going to contend that Selig turned a blind eye to these positive tests? Are you going to explore the ethical question of whether it would have been right for Selig to blow the whistle on his own company at a time when roids were not a banned substance and the man who was using them was bringing tons of positive attantion to the sport? Because, if so, that could be interesting. It's a moral thing. An ethical thing.
Even in a sports world with statistics spilling out of its hat like Larry Fitzgerald's hair, it's been quite the week for numbers.
Guess not. But, ya know, fucking....topical brah. High-fives all around.
Football is celebrating six, the record number of Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl championships.
Basketball is celebrating 61, the record number of points Kobe Bryant scored at Madison Square Garden.
Baseball is, well, baseball, which means it's not celebrating numbers, but mourning them.
HA! One of something is barely even a quarter as funny as three of something. Also, I have never in my life heard of, read about, took note of or sat upon anybody mourning numbers. But, I can over-look that because he mentioned Larry Fitzgerald. I know Larry Fitzgerald. Bill Plaschke gets guys like me. Prose on you big lug.
They are 18.35 million and five.
All right. Let's put all these numbers together and see what the meaning of all these numbers could be. We've got 6, 61, 18,350,000 and 5. Oh, and we are mourning the last two. I'm looking for patterns.....nope. I got nothing. I give up. What's the meaning of these numbers? Be my wikipedia, sir.
The first is the reported recent annual salary of Commissioner Bud Selig.
The second is the number of times Barry Bonds apparently tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs on Selig's watch.
DAAAAAAMN!!!! What a zinger. He built me up and just...you know...wham! Hits me over the head with these cold, hard facts. I'm left to pick up the pieces of what I used to think was true in this world. Keep going. For the love of Jecus Christ, keep going!
Oh, yeah, add one more number to that list -- zero.
That's how many times Bonds was suspended for any of it.
Punchy. That's how I would describe this man's writing style. Paragraphs are rarely longer than a single sentance because it's punchier that way. Numbers are short and quick and columns are punchier that way. Bill also gets drunk and free-styles poetic phrases into a video camera because it makes his writing punchier (do yourself a solid and check it out at www.plaschkesoulfeelings.com). When I read sports writers writing lazy columns with lazy arguments and lazy jokes I get punchier. When I drink and read the same articles I also get stabbier, so let's move on.
In the wake of a pay stub revelation that should embarrass Selig, and court documents that could imprison Bonds, it's hard to know which is more amazing.
That the guy who presides over America's most troubled major sport makes about $7 million more than Roger Goodell, the NFL guy who runs America's most popular major sport?
The NFL has 16 regular season games and four playoff rounds. Major League Baseball has 162 games and the potiental for 19 more post-season games. Baseball makes a TON of money. Their guy gets paid more than the football guy. Nothing about this is amazing.
The evidence released Wednesday in advance of Bonds' upcoming perjury trial tells us more about the demons of the game than the sickness of the man.
"immigants? I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them!" It's no longer Bonds' fault because we've grown tired of talking about him. We're moving on the the commisioner. Why? Well, dude makes like 5484359 kagerbillzillion dollars a year so fuck him!
That Bonds used steroids? We knew that. Nothing can shock us there anymore, not after spending years staring at the size of his head and the length of his homers.
Two things 1) that's not a sentance 2) gross
But, goodness, according to Wednesday's evidence, baseball was not only fooled, it was humiliated, and you wonder how a man who makes so much money could rule so cheaply.
Again, dudebrah, you're losing me with these made up phrases. How does one rule cheaply? Was his lack of discipline with Bonds a result of Selig's frugal nature? Or, were you simply writing poems again? ".....how a man who makes so much money could rule so cheaply" You are William fucking Shakespere.
The tests were conducted not by baseball, which didn't test at the time, but by the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative, which was supplying Bonds with the steroids.
One can only imagine the conversation.
"Well, Barry, good job, you tested positive for steroids."
"Great, give me some more, this is the year I catch that cheating Mark McGwire!"
Start laugh track.
This hurts my face. It hurts my head, my heart, my guts and my soul. The thing is, I knew this was coming from the first page of the column. When I got to the bottom of the page and before I clicked on page 2, the last thing I read was "One can only imagine the conversation." I was over-come with fear because I was horrified about what Plaschke would conjure up in his mind of emo poetry/sports journalism. Then I found this brilliant little bump-set-spike of high comedy.
And a laugh track.
A written laugh track.
The next failed test, also involving steroids, was actually a baseball-administered test on June 4, 2003.
But it was part of the league's initial anonymous survey testing program, a year of amnesty that the union demanded to give its guys time to come clean.
Who's fault? Selig's fault! Why is it Selig's fault? CAUSE HE MAKES TOO MUCH MONEY! Not that I don't get where this comes from but, dude, come on. This is so lazy.
On the day of that test, the Giants' Bonds hit a ninth-inning, two-out, game-winning single against the Minnesota Twins.
One can only imagine the conversation.
YES!! CALL BACK, BABY! LAY IT ON ME! MAKE WITH THE CHUCKLES!
"Wow, Barry, the drug testers are here, and you're not even worried?"
"I'm not Barry, I'm Anonymous, remember? What are they going to do, suspend Anonymous?"
Start laugh track.
"Suspend anonymous", Plaschke, you rag-tag little so and so. Where do you come up with this stuff? You know what's a hilarious movie you should see? 'Love Guru'.
The final failed test will be of particular interest to Dodgers fans, as it occurred on July 7, 2006, in Dodger Stadium.
It was a failed test for amphetamines. One can only wonder if that drug helped Bonds hit a three-run homer against the Dodgers that day.
One CAN only wonder because these are the kind of things that we have no way of knowing.
One can only imagine the conversation.
Remember that show 'The Dinosaurs'? Remember the baby would always say "Not the mama" and when he liked something he'd yell "again"? This feels like that only Plaschke is controlling the child and also hitting me over the head with a frying pan and everyone around me is falling down in a hilarious fashion. And by hilarious fashion I mean it hurts. And by it hurts I mean please shoot me in the face.
"Barry, the drug-testing guy is back."
"Give me my bat, the only person getting punished today is a Dodger."
Start laugh track.
........clap.......Clap.........CLap.....CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!!!! Yaaaaaayyyy PLASCHKE! Those first two times I wasn't sure but this third time, I dunno, it just got me. "Punish a Dodger" - you're such a card.
Sure enough, as part of the testing program, Bonds' failed test resulted only in a finger-rapping letter from Selig and the promise of more testing.
These actions were the rules at the time. How dare Selig follow the agreed upon procedures? Not renegade Plaschke. He would have gone rogue and stolen all of Barry's bats so he would have to hit with pool cues for the rest of the year. Then he would have replaced all of his non-dairy creamers with dairy and since Bonds is lactose-intolerant he would have gotten a tummy ache. Mr. Plaschke also would have slashed his tires and spray-painted "TOTAL MELVIN" on Barry's locker.
Five tests, five flunking grades, and each time, Bonds moved further to the front of the class.
God. Damnit.
It was so ridiculous, in a taped conversation also released Wednesday, Bonds' trainer Greg Anderson can be heard bragging that he had baseball sources who would warn him of the testing.
"I'm not even trippin', " he says on the tape.
Ah, but baseball did, hard, falling all over its dignity during an era of shame that will be relived next month at Bonds' trial, where the first two surprises have already been popped.
Actually, Bill, when he said trippin' he actually meant in a slang......nevermind. You're right. He meant to literally trip and fall. Fall over it's dignity. A dignity full of popping surprises.
Selig is richer than we thought, while the integrity of his tenure is even poorer than we imagined.
Rich.....poor.....opposites.......PROFESSIONAL WRITING! PEACE OUT, YA'LL!
